am i the only one?

I think I've become completely bored with my life, which is odd because lately I've been out doing stuff with friends. It hasn't been the same, though. I've reconnected with a lot of old friends. Even Cory messaged me the other day on MySpace. He even called, which was strange because I deleted his number from my phone forever ago and assumed he'd done the same. It's just. . .I've been thinking about how grown-up we've all become.

My friend Meru and I went out the other night and had a whole lot of fun and everything, but it was so different. Meru's kind of been doing the same thing that I have for the past year. We've both been having some pretty difficult times, so when we hung out for the first time in probably about a year, it was awesome because we just picked up where we'd left off, like we hadn't been completely isolated from people for the last year. We were always great friends, though. I think it's mostly because our personalities are so similar: We're loud, silly, unashamedly and undeniably ourselves, and people either love us or hate us. I'm pretty sure no one has ever said, "Yeah, I know Katee/Meru, she's okay."It's always, "She is so awesome!" or, "Ugh, I hate her."

Anyway, it just struck me how much we've matured. We're still ourselves, but just, um, calmer, I think. More laid-back and more serious and focused about our futures. It used the be, probably two or three years ago, that when we went out, we didn't stop going until about 5 in the morning and even then we were reluctant to go home. We had a pretty great adventure on Tuesday night and even talked for hours on my porch until sleep started calling because of classes and work the next day. We tried to go out last night but we were completely exhausted and the night ended at abou 9:30. It was sad.

Maybe I don't have to try so hard to prove that I'm happy because I actually am happy now. I mean, everything's just so different. I'm still me, but like a more low-key version. I still don't hesitate to call someone out for being an asshole, but I don't go out of my way to pick fights. It's too exhausting and frankly, there are a lot better things I'd like to use that energy for.

I think it's like this with all my friends and former friends now. A few years ago it was so not unusual for someone to get arrested. Now we just don't have time for all that nonsense anymore. We're too busy going to school or working or both to go out and wreak havoc on the Shreveport/Bossier area. It's really kinda of depressing. I remember being ready to leave whenever anyone called, even if it was like 11 pm. Ending up in the outskirts of town at a gas station with a bunch of scary Texas Chainsaw Massacre looking people was quite common and enjoyable, and I miss it. I miss the spontaneity and adventure of it all. Growing up kind of sucks.

I'm also aware that I sound like a shithead talking about all this because I'm only 18, but holy crap, it sucks. I don't care if you're 70 years old, you know you miss being completely carefree. There were no student loans to worry about or GPAs to fret over. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely content with my life, but I miss being stupid like that. Now I'm more cautious, which makes me feel pretty lame.

Sigh. It's too late to be writing about this. I've been trying to make my history notes legible and now I'm irritated at how tedious that can be and am pretty pissed that I had to do it at all.