hurt.

I don't even know what the hell happened today. I don't know why I got so pissed off. I rarely fight with my parents, and today I got mad at both of them. I had a good reason for getting mad at my dad, but I suspect the fact that I was shithead to my mom has to do with me being a general pain in the ass.

I went to look up Pell Grants and how to apply for them, but unfortunately I'm not eligible. I have school loans that I haven't even begun to pay. Actually, my mom said she was going to pay for them. Not every school loan I take out, obviously, but I applied for these when I was 16 and just starting school. Because of some random hypocrisy in the admissions office, I wasn't allowed to do another semester until I got my GED, or so the letter that came in the mail one day told me. Last summer, though, I found out I was able to take classes again even without a diploma of any sort. I took two classes and we paid for them out of pocket and did the same last semester.

But I noticed Mom wasn't paying my loans. At all. I didn't say anything, but this evening, I freaked out on her. I haven't been to see my therapist in weeks, so maybe that was part of it. I just got so pissed off. I didn't ask to take those loans out, I didn't know I wouldn't be able to go back to school and not be able to avoid the loans for another few years before I graduated, and now I'm already over a thousand dollars in debt. I'm only 18 and I've never even had or applied for a credit card, and I've never even taken those letters the credit card companies send me seriously.

I would love to get a job and pay them off myself, but the only jobs available to me are retail and fast food. I can't work in an environment like that. I don't even like going into retail stores or fast food chains to buy things, much less work there. If I could get SSDI, at least I could say I'm pulling in some money. But that is so, so hard to do. Some fuckhead who works for the state will come in and say why I should be able to work in retail and shit and blah blah blah, and I'll be rejected. I could get a lawyer, but that'd just be more money to spend that I don't have.

All this came about from not having enough money. It's why I get so bloody angry when rich people say shit like, "Money is the root of all evil." Or some nonsense like that. Obviously they've never had to live paycheck to paycheck. Don't get me wrong, I know it could be worse, but good God, those people don't know how good they have it. It's fucking ridiculous to hear people bitch and moan about how hard their life is when they're making a six figure salary and buying imported bathroom cleaner. But they're not happy.

Of course they're not happy. Bitching and moaning takes up a lot of energy, and doesn't leave any room for happiness. If you're so fuckin' unhappy, go see a therapist or a counselor like the rest of us. You could probably afford to see one everyday, even without insurance.

My point? Try not to act like you have a hard life when you've been born into privilege and money. It's one thing to have a chemical imbalance and not being able to help it, but it's quite another to be sulky because that $5,000 dress only comes in light blue instead of midnight blue.

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